Living in the Longing

A few days ago, I was remembering what my life looked like a year ago. Brett and I are approaching our first anniversary and there is much for reflection. This time last year, we were planning a wedding and buying things to make our home. I looked back at my adoration journal during those days and most of my prayers were for strength and graces from God to survive the last few weeks of our engagement. But in the middle of all that what I was doing the most is longing for the day we would finally live together under the same roof.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines longing as a strong desire especially for something unattainable. In those last weeks leading up into marriage, I thought the day would never come when I would not have to say goodnight over the phone. Anticipation of something - turning a certain age, a future vacation, even a wedding - is always like that. What you are longing for, what you are waiting for, seems so far away.

Living in that longing taught me so much, and now as I reflect back, I am able to see the graces of it. Society teaches us that anything we want can be instant and that life is about your needs and their gratification. We can seek gratification in “likes” on social media, our number of followers, in ordering food online, and many other instant ways. We are surrounded by this way of wanting immediate gratification and too often we fall into the trap of seeking instant experiences as well. Our hearts, however, are made to long.

I knew I wanted to marry Brett very early in our relationship. I longed for the day he would ask me to be his wife. I spent the rest of our dating time and engagement longing to be his wife. In that time I learned to long. I spent nights frustrated because we were separated instead of going to the same bed. I did not wake up next to him each morning as I yearned to do. I counted down the days and hours when our goodbyes would only be for the work day and not until the weekend when we would see each other again. Some days I felt defeated and angry. That anger and despair were not always there but became more frequent as our wedding day drew closer. Because I experienced those days, I don't take our time together now for granted. The longing made us stronger and closer. It allowed us to grow and communicate in ways we could not have anticipated. I learned to live in the longing and receive all the graces of the time I had to wait to share my complete life with Brett.

God created us with a desire for heaven and something greater than ourselves. He created our hearts to long for an intimate relationship with Him. My longing for Brett and spousal union with him is just a slice of my soul’s longing for God. Just as in the days leading up to my wedding day, I must prepare for it and be patient so that I don't take it for granted. St. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

I pray for couples preparing for marriage every day because in today's culture choosing to long for something in the future is hard. Yet our hearts must learn to long for Christ and our eternal life first and foremost. Waiting for marriage is just a practice for our souls for the day when we reach the ultimate wedding feast with our Creator. May we learn to live in the longing of that final wedding feast and have the strength to deny instant gratification in our daily lives.

Engagement picture of Brett and I!

Grace Abounds, 

Itzel Duke